The Name of the Storm

As we approach the busier part of another hurricane season and the fearmongering kicks into higher gear, I want to ask a question I’ve never been able to figure myself.

I think everyone knows that the name of the storm is determined by which letter of the alphabet corresponds with which number the storm is for the season. Hence, the first named storm will always have a name that starts with “A” since it’s the first letter of the alphabet.

In 2005 there were so many storms they ran out of letters. Still they never managed to name on Zardoz despite cycling through the entire alphabet.

This brings me to the focus of my musings today.

Hurricane satellite image | kesseljunkie.com
Get set for Hurricane…Bill?

Why Are Storm Names So Lame?

I don’t understand why they can’t get someone with a sense of flair to start naming these storms. I’m tired of Charlies and Bonnies, Harveys and Paulas.

While every so often we get a decent one like Igor or, for the Shakesperean-minded (is that still allowed?), Ophelia, we’re usually left with very milquetoast names. I want to change that.

As I discussed with a friend, we wondered why we can’t have Hurricane Fartknocker. We’re talking about deadly winds, so let’s lean into that. Why not have Tropical Storm Butt-Licker, leaving a track through the states?

Go for the gold and when you get to the letter H, watch people flee when you tell them “Hitler” is heading to their house. Stay on a theme when you get to S and watch “Stalin” spur real fear.

Other Possibilities

If you want to keep it more family-friendly, you could even partner with Disney™®© and have them name the storms Cinderella or Pocahantas. Everyone loves Marvel©™® movies, so get their attention with Hurricane Groot. Then have a Lucasfilm-themed season and have Hurricane Mandalorian.

Heck, have DC and Warner Bros. get in on the mix and they could have Hurricane Justice League and if the storm season really gets out of hand and you get back to the J’s the second storm could be The Snyder Cut.

The possibilities are endless! They’re also more interesting than another year with simple names.

In the interim, enjoy the fearmongering. Goodness knows we can’t get enough of that right now.