We’ve gone through the looking glass, down the rabbit hole and are rapidly approaching the event horizon. Soon all shows and movies will reboot themselves as they’re being made. The reboot will be marketed two weeks after the original, on a streaming platform while the movie is in the theaters, or vice versa.
You may wonder what’s pushed me over the edge. After all, I’ve tried to adopt a more philosophical approach to the whole reboot/remake landscape. Much like the usurpation of power and authority during a crisis, I can’t change it. I may as well accept it, most would say.
My snap has been caused by the recent news that one of the films I love more than most, Planes, Trains and Automobiles, is slated for a remake starring the madcap comedy antics of Will Smith and Kevin Hart, I’ve decided to throw some free sequel ideas out there just to try to stop this interminable cycle of perpetual reboot.
So here they are.
4 Free Sequel Ideas for Hollywood Production Companies
- Apocalypse Now: The Legend of Kurtz’s Gold. After adjusting to a life in suburbia, Willard is haunted by nightmares. Most people think it’s PTSD, but it’s because he keeps “seeing Kurtz.” Kurtz gives him the finger, destroys his flower bed, and steals his cheese until Willard agrees to get back on the river and find his lost gold. Along the way we discover it’s Kurtz’s secret clone from a CIA training site that’s escaped. Hugh Jackman makes a cameo as a zany ticket agent.
- Masters of the Universe 2. Skeletor said he’d be back, and it’s time to deliver. Suggest a new director with slightly less controversy attached. Hugh Jackman takes on the part of Man-At-Arms, who has to enlist Julie and Kevin (Courtney Cox and Robert Duncan McNeill reprising their roles) to find the lost He-Man (Dolph Lundgren), who’s hiding out on Earth as an actor in action movies. (Very meta.) They unite to defeat Skeletor, who’s now 100% CG.
- Death Proof 2. The zany misadventures of the women who defeated Stuntman Mike (Kurt Russell). What starts as a road trip turns sour when they start seeing Mike’s ghost. They enlist the help of a wayward psychic (Hugh Jackman) who can battle the ghost. He dies. At the end, they discover it was just their power of sisterhood that they needed.
- Almost Famous: Generation X. The story of another kid who works at a CD store (tie in with Empire Records continuity?) and finds himself wrapped up in the hijinks of a Doors cover band that never quite found success. Hugh Jackman plays the aging singer who impersonates Jim Morrison.
See? Was that so hard? Free movie ideas, sequels to established IP, and not a single reboot. We can do this!
One Last Thing
As a note to anyone reading this who may or may not have a tangential tie to the people who are writing articles about the reboot, there’s no gosh darn ampersand in the title. It’s Planes, Trains and Automobiles. Get it right!
Also, enjoy this original trailer that has more than a few moments that didn’t make the final cut!