Recently I asked a friend – surprisingly I have a few left – for topics he’d like to see me write about. He suggested, “Why burgers are the best food.”
It’s not something I’m inclined to accept as a truth without analysis, but as I tricked one nerd into thinking I believed that Masters of the Universe was the unsung trailblazer for dark & gritty comic book movies, I enjoy writing things that seem like sound arguments just for the sake of it. It speaks to the weakness of “expertise” and the strength of confirmation bias, since people skip close reads and miss the part where I say I’m kidding.
I even had one friend think I was arguing that Tommy Wiseau’s The Room was a metaphorical tale about the human soul. That blog was removed ages ago when I was being harassed and targeted by someone’s horde of followers, because I realized at that point people don’t “get” humor very well. It’s a shame because I thought it was pretty funny and I liked to remind him that he’d missed the joke.
It’s for this reason that satire is dead and has to be clearly labeled. Jonathan Swift would have been “cancelled” in a moment by the current internet hordes. I’m beginning to wonder if anyone understands what Monty Python’s real point was.
Anyway, back to the point at hand.
Burgers v. Pizza
As I started to ponder whether I could construct an argument that burgers really are the “best food,” I realized that they’re up against a major contender from the start.
Pizza is the ubiquitous, delicious food readily available to waiting bellies that I think would outstrip demand for burgers if it came down to it. Pizza has myriad combinations, allowing for nearly unlimited variance in crust, sauce, toppings, and size. It’s possible to order a pizza that is for only yourself, or for a family.
When kids have birthday parties, they serve pizza. It’s because it’s a safe bet. Pizza can be served with water, tea, soda, or anything else.
Now, popular opinion isn’t necessarily correct, so that doesn’t mean that pizza is the “best” for just those reasons. But you do have to admit that burgers are a dicier proposition.
Burgers can be cooked “wrong” pretty easily, whereas pizza is pretty difficult to screw up. No matter where you go, even if it’s bad…it’s still satisfying.
The toppings on the burger are meant to complement the flavor of the meat but are frequently just wilted salad leftovers that they need to serve or throw out. The toppings on a pizza can define it, enhance it, or just prove unnecessary. Burgers, on the other hand, tend to require them.
So weighting the factors of ease to prepare, general guarantee of positive experience, serving size, acceptable recipe variance, and ability to be served without any accoutrement, I think we have a winner.
The Winner & The Meaning
In the end, burgers are not the best food. Pizza wins this matchup in the tournament.
So clearly, you have a lesson here on the dangers of being my friend. I may love you dearly and then turn your proposed blog topic into an argument against your favorite food. I may spend years plastering your face into movie scenes to troll you, only to have it backfire and become a compulsion for myself.
So who who could challenge pizza in the next round?