The Problem with CHAZ

I’ve read a lot of headlines and seen a lot of stories about the CHAZ in Seattle. For those of you who don’t know, the acronym stands for Capitol Hill Autonomous Zone. I won’t get into the ironies of the fact that it doesn’t seem very autonomous, or that some people there seem to think you can garden on broken down pizza boxes, but that’s just me being silly about it. When I make jokes like that, some of my friends get grumpy.

Anyway, I think the name got changed to CHOP now? “Occupied Protest” are the new last words, leaning into the fact that this is just a follow up to the Occupy movement from 2011. After all, people love sequels.

Maybe by the time you read this it’ll be named…I don’t know. I don’t care.

And that’s the problem! The name doesn’t make me care. That’s a marketing and messaging failure!

CHAZ is a nickname for Charles, and doesn’t instill the respect and slight air of fear that new nations require to keep their enemies at bay and instill the confidence they need with trading partners.

CHOP? CHOP sounds like an action, and not a pleasant one. I chop meat to consume it. I chop the air with great vigor when running through martial arts forms. It sounds like a joke.

The Name They Should Have Chosen

This is why they should have consulted me. My deep knowledge of bad movies, and horror movies, and bad horror movies, and movies in general, could have helped them!

I would have told them to name it the Capitol Hill Utopian District.

C.H.U.D. for short.

As you should well know, C.H.U.D. is a 1980s “horror” movie about Cannibalistic Humanoid Underground Dwellers. They’re cannibalistic humanoids (natch) who were mutated by toxic waste illegally dumped in the sewers of New York.

It’s a name that will make people pay attention and think twice about trying to take your city blocks back.

Shot from C.H.U.D. Movie 1980s | Alternate name for CHAZ.
Come on, man. I’ve already got chills!

Names Should Instill Cautious Respect!

Trust me, no one is screwing with a C.H.U.D! They won’t even think to challenge you.

Cops will run away and troublemakers will think twice. You won’t even need an ad hoc police force to remove the police force you don’t want policing you.

Best of all, C.H.U.D.s live in the sewers so they won’t take up space on your city blocks. Of course, if the real C.H.U.D.s in New York City hear about it, they might get a little upset.

Or, if you want, you can go with this Simpsons reference to C.H.U.D.s for your context.

“…and then the C.H.U.D.s came at me…”

In Conclusion

So listen to me, spontaneous revolutionaries of Seattle! Rename yourselves now to drive away those who wish you ill. Name yourselves after an atomic horror that eats people, and people will stay far away.

As a side bonus, you’ll raise awareness of toxic environmental damage.

It’s a total win! And if you ever do institute your own currency, and rename yourself C.H.U.D., I’m going to demand some form of payment.

C.H.U.D. Movie Poster 1984 horror movie | kesseljunkie.com

Also you should see the movie. It’s a kick.