This is another sample of a review from over at my Letterboxd account. I’m posting it here because it was an assignment for RetroPerspective over on The Nerd Party, and my reaction to it was strong enough that I wanted to immortalize my reaction here while the new episode is dropping over there.

I’ve often complained that people are too concerned with being “nice” in their reviews. While I wouldn’t qualify this as mean, I certainly think that you can understand why I’d rather watch Hercules in New York a second time than this execrable waste of my attention. Hercules in New York may be bad, but it has more idiotic charm by a fathom and a half.

Besides, Roger Ebert felt free to hate movies. So I do too!

Roger Ebert in an interview with Roger Ebert where Roger Ebert repeatedly said Roger Ebert for SEO value on Roger Ebert.
BY THE POWER OF EBERT!!!

A Review of Threesome by kesseljunkie

This movie indulges all the impulses of the Gen X slacker genre, but puts them together into one big, lifeless mess. There’s not one moment of real engagement as the characters drift through a series of supposed misadventures that are narrated by our main character in such a way that  you wish voice over had never been invented.

The soundtrack is full of focus group-approved songs designed to make soundtrack sales inflate. They have no real place in the movie except to try to trick the audience into liking it.

If only there were a worthwhile movie here. I’m pretty sure it was trying to say something, which was a part of the cultural drive of these movies. It’s supposed to be a thoughtful argument for the loosening of supposed sexual mores.

And sex is all the characters talk about. At all. These people have sex on the brain so much you wonder if this is a group of people whose education up to this point was only sex ed classes.

There’s a tokenism to going to class that’s a weak pretext to give us the main character once more quietly contemplating whether he’s contemplating enough. There’s voice over to try to make sure we don’t miss out on what a performance consisting of quietly sitting might convey.

The script is written with all the wit and verve of a 16 year old imagining what college is going to be like. The characters have all the believability of 1970s sitcom neighbors.

The situations resemble the romanticized myth of college life, and only serve to build a mirage of activity that never truly existed. Animal House had the decency to acknowledge its characters as comic exaggeration. This tries to pass them off as real people.

I don’t like coming down hard on movies, I really don’t. But this is one of those where, to borrow a sentiment from Lara Flynn Boyle’s melodramatic character, art demands honesty. I hated this movie.

I watched this for RetroPerspective over on The Nerd Party, which I cohost with @mumbles3k.

Lara Flynn Boyle, Josh Charles, Stephen Baldwin in a publicity photo for Threesome a movie in 1994 called Threesome starring Lara Flynn Boyle, Josh Charles, Stephen Baldwin, and cheap chicanery to mock predatory SEO garbage in the alt tags.
Don’t let their harmless appearance fool you. They want to bore you to death.
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