It’s been a very long time since I wrote for this blog. It’s strange to bring it out of mothballs on a whim.

But is it really a whim? Am I exercising choice in resurrecting this blog, or am I a pawn of cosmic forces bigger than either one of us can fathom?

An Inevitable Awakening?

I believe this is an act of free will on my part, but I concede that if Elon Musk’s idea that this reality is a simulation is accurate, then that makes this blog inevitable. While it’s certainly horrifying to think that a simulation would be cruel enough to deliver this to you, it’s more cruel to think that the simulation wouldn’t even pretend to pay me in order to do it.

It would perhaps be better if life wasn’t a simulation, but rather turned out to be Skynet and was about to end the world to spare you from reading further. I’m not a computer expert, so I don’t know. I’m just a simple SMOD voter.

Simulations are confusing things, I guess. I mean, I don’t think this is all a simulation, and Reality is not subjective. Nor is it particularly malleable; if you think it is, we may be at a philosophical parting of ways.

If that’s the case, then I don’t mind. I’m one of those old-school people that doesn’t actually care if people agree with me.

A kessel korner Introduction

If this is your first time encountering the blog, I’d suggest you familiarize yourself with a few posts so you understand what it’s all about. I’ve had people run across things and fail to realize the spirit in which they were offered, and that never goes well. Everyone’s always ready to burn you down when a moment to understand context – or sense of humor – would have helped still the waters.

If you remember the great fun it can be to read this blog, but it’s been a while since you’ve read anything, you can revisit some personal favorites in the list below.

Let me tip you off to my biggest strategic and tactical error. I presume people are smart enough to understand when to take something as tongue-in-cheek. We seem to live in times when Jonathan Swift, no relation to Taylor of which I’m aware, would be derided and “doxed” for his monstrous wit.

I maintain that the majority of online outrage is not only manufactured, but willfully ignorant. Mr. Swift could explain the concept of satire until he ran out of words, but Swift likely still would be figuratively strung up by his toes so people could throw produce at his dead body like Il Duce, for writing his Modest Proposal.

The Perpetually Outraged, their ignorance exposed, simply double down and tell the world what’s allowed to be satire and what isn’t. This childish impulse is why things have to be labeled clearly with “satire,” to sate the emotionally immature who work also at Google. When they’re not selling your personal data, they’re deciding whether you were joking or not.

Case in point, enjoy my thoroughly cheeky piece, “Could Sybok Have Saved Darth Vader?” It was described by one Internet denizen as “the most @kesseljunkie thing ever written,” or words to that effect. It was high praise from such a revered Tweeter.

Some of the blogs I write are so “deadpan,” in fact, they end up as exercises to prove how inane reasoning can be used to reach insane conclusions. It’s something I like to do, in fact. I enjoy twisting logic in such a way that people don’t know if I’m kidding.

Back to the first point in this blog, you can blame the simulation.

green and black computer motherboard
Some machine, somewhere, wrote the program that simulated the person who wrote this blog. But who built the machine that wrote the program that simulated the machine that created that simulation? We may never know. Photo by Fancycrave.com on Pexels.com

Why Did You Stop Writing in the First Place?

You might wonder why I shut the blog down a while ago.

There were a number of factors, honestly. It was motivated at least partially by the fact that I started podcasting more, just like so many others. I spend a silly amount of time recording my voice for the world to hear. There are even some people who like listening to it. There are some people who like listening to it, but don’t like admitting it.

Blogging, if you’re not paid for it like the people who write for fan sites, can seem somewhat pointless.

Some of it had to do with a moment in time when the hungry dogs of the Internet mob discovered my metaphorical juiciness and came after me. I locked down a lot of stuff because people were going after personal information on here, which has largely been removed. I’m sure I’ll discover some pieces over time that will thence be edited anew, but for now I’m pretty sure I’m as anonymous as Google will let anyone be.

Besides, I’m writing this thing again and who knows, maybe it’s pointless to try to stay hidden. It’s just a question of who has the most determination for finding you. Might as well fiddle while Rome burns; ain’t got enough water to help.

So Why Resurrect This Long-Defunct Outlet?

Frankly, the social media channels have gotten boring. It’s substantially made up of outrage and snap reaction. It’s supported by the so-called “Influencer Economy,” which as far as I can tell consists of people pretending to have authentic opinions in exchange for free things.

The post length and attention spans on those platforms is interminably short, too. If I’m going to be a lone voice shouting nonsense in the online wilderness, I want the opportunity to shout as long as I wish.

But I’m resurrecting this largely because I love to write about nonsense, and despite being on three regular podcasts can still generate more. I like to think that somewhere, someone will read this and it may brighten their day or break the monotony.

Besides, it feels like a fun retrograde move for the sake of nothing more than giving myself a platform for the two or three people unlucky enough to encounter it, or the person person who gave me 24 page views in an hour for whatever reason. It’s sort of a hipster thing, right?

Blogging instead of Instagramming. Why should I give them the free content? I’ll give out the free content myself.

I’m never, ever going to figure out how to make money on this, am I?

Additional Urges and Indulgences

I’ve also had the opportunity to write here and there for some online outlets like Set the Tape. I’ve also gotten a kick out of indulging my writing urge for reviews on my letterboxd account, where you’ll find I’m much more active. Perhaps some of those reviews will find additional, or longer-form, expression here.

I promise also to fill things with links just to force you to fulfill your Pavlovian conditioning to click on things.

I’ve plans to expand the site to include some fun artwork I do, and showcase some of the logos I’ve developed for people over time. When that happens will depend on how much free time I find for myself. Since this is a personal, fun endeavor, I’m not promising several posts a week. I’ve no desire to distract people from all the shows that Netflix is pumping into their eyeballs.

TheLAstDougie
This is one of those fun things I did a while back, even before The Last Jedi was released. If you’ve gotten this far, I’ll share a spoiler with you that I’ll be writing a piece soon wherein I argue that The Last Jedi occurs in Twin Peaks continuity.

Let’s Be Real

I’m not even sure how much effort I’ll put into promoting this blog.

OK, that’s my first lie to you so far. I’m sure I’ll put very little effort into promoting this blog. I have it connected to Twitter just because I’m going dark on Twitter for a bit, and it seems like I might as well.

No one reads my timeline anyway, so what can it hurt? Well, I mean, there was that one time where I made the bad joke, but since then, no one reads my timeline. Yes, “no one” is an exaggeration, but I’m making a point.

Anyway, the one thing I can promise you is that this blog will never be influential. I’m still not even sure what the hell and influencer “does,” except prove that Jedi wouldn’t even need the Force to get past blockades. They’d just get mentions in someone’s Instagram feed.

It will never be computer generated for the sake of SEO. I may be artless and facile, but I’ll be those things on my own terms.

I don’t care how many people are reading this out there, since I’m not generating and money and I don’t care about fame. This is the same sort of hobby as podcasting, and I’m fine with that.

I guess I’m like Izzy Stradlin. Well, not really. I’m thinking of him more in to the sense of the accepted generational legend that he left Guns ‘N Roses because he never cared about fame, not the real story that he realized, once sober, that the other band members were all dysfunctional drug addicts.

Is There Much Else to Say?

Finally, you may wonder why I’ve written such a long first entry to the blog. It’s because I overheard someone saying that 1500 words was a difficult target to reach, and I wanted to prove that wrong. I’ve spent more than that writing about writing this blog. I’m not even counting what I wrote in the captions for the pictures.

I’m also shocked you’re still here. I promise posts of more sensible length going forward.

As a reward for making it this far, I’m going to treat you to one last fun thing I did in Photoshop. You’ll see plenty more of these over time.

Craig-Hard-2
In case you’re wondering, this isn’t my face. I put my friend’s face into various images from movies and such, just to have fun. I’ve used it as an opportunity to hone my skills, sure, but mainly it’s to punish reward him for being my friend.

 

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