Improbable Match-Up: James Bond v. Indiana Jones

It’s been awhile since I’ve done an improbable match-up. I like doing these things, and have a few ideas for some really good ones. This is a decent undercard, though, where the end isn’t really in doubt, though the underdog has a strong puncher’s chance of flipping the odds.

Also, as a note since there are people who have taken these things seriously before, remember it’s all in fun. But also it is 100% authoritative scientifically.

Let’s get ready to Geeeeeeeeek Out.

Factor: Fighting Styles
James Bond: Brawler, Assassin Indy: Brawler, Gunfighter
Advantage: 007.

Indy isn’t the best fighter, he just has a nasty habit of surviving odds. However, Bond is a lot better at taking out people from a distance, or quietly. I have to give Bond the edge.

Factor: Age
007: Regenerative? Indy: Older than Social Security taxes.
Advantage: 007.

Like Doctor Who, James Bond regenerates every decade or so in a state of perpetual reboot. I have to give the edge to someone who can apparently slough off one body for another as each era needs it. He may be a Sith, for all I know. We saw how the years treated Indy by the time Crystal Skull came around. He was lucky to be walking.

Factor: Moral Code
James Bond: Will kill. Indy: Heroic ideals, will kill.
Advantage: 007.

Even in his most debonair incarnations, Bond is a ruthless murderer. He’s such a sociopath he makes jokes in the aftermath of grisly deaths. He not only kills, you realize he wants to kill, whereas Indy only kills as a matter of necessity.

Factor: Weaknesses
James Bond: STDs Indy: The Clap
Advantage: Indy.

Bond most likely has lost some muscle control and mental accuity by the time they meet, possibly removing advantages he held otherwise. He may even have diseases that sap your strength and energy completely. The Clap, according to medical diagnoses, can very painful but will short out neither your brain nor your motor function.

Factor: Transportation
James Bond: Cool car, if he hasn’t destroyed it already. Indy: No personal transportation available.
Advantage: 007.

Indy hijacks transport or hitches rides. Bond’s cars are literal killing machines that only stop when Bond messes them up. So long as Bond gets in the car before mixing it up, Indy’s toast. The only shot Indy has is to hijack it and turn the tables, which is tough since Bond’s cars have anti-theft systems that…uh, explode.

Wild Card
James Bond: Evil in the service of Good. Indy: Divine Assistance.
Advantage: Indy.

Let’s face it. Regardless of your belief system, Indy is looked upon favorably by God. Even millennia-old hyper-dimensional aliens let him off the hook. James Bond, no matter how you slice it, is not a good person; he just happens to work for the good guys.

Winner: Indy

Let’s be honest. That “Wild Card” really swings it.

Go Indy, Go!

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