I Think I’ve Found a Way to Stop the Hulk for Good

I’ve thought about the Hulk for a good long while. I understand him pretty well, at least the idea of containing the raging beast within. Always the ones you least suspect, I know.

So I was thinking about him again recently and believe I’ve stumbled on a truly novel and workable way to stop him from existing. It may need to be used in conjunction with Hug Therapy and living in some sort of monastic place, but I think that it’s a key to curing him for good.

Why I Thought Of It

In Captain America: The Winter Soldier, a finely-crafted summer film that beautifully picks up the banner of Civil Liberties and waves it madly around for two hours, there’s a passing reference to Banner’s work to create a serum that slowed his heart rate.

The Hulk from the 2012 Film, The Avengers
I get Hulk. And Hulk gets me. Those who have known me longest and best, know how true that must be.

As we all know, the transformation to The Hulk happens when Banner’s heart rate increases and/or he’s under stress. So obviously having him live in a nice, happy serene place seems a nice choice. But it never seems to work out because he has temper issues when he runs across anyone else.

Drugs and bullets don’t work, though I argue that severing his brain stem with a speed-of-light shot will still cure him permanently. But there are those who take issue with that as well.

So possibly it’s multi-factorial. So my solution came to me while treating myself and my daughter to some small burgers at Wendy’s®.

Give Bruce Banner An Eating Disorder

Not to be insensitive, but fatten him up. Get rid of his leafy greens and organic grains. Give him donuts and hamburgers constantly. Train him to eat his feelings. Trust me, this has worked for millions of people. Myself included!

The Burger King
The Hulk’s final nemesis?

Something irritating you? Eat food and sit still while watching TV. Want to see a movie? Eat a gigantic tub of movie popcorn with motor oil (“butter”) on it. This therapy will take time, but let him live the dream of every nerd since Super Size Twizzlers was invented.

Forget a side salad. Have an appetizer sampler platter and bloomin’ onion®™ with everything!

Teach him to eat constantly, without remorse and without hope of living past the next 10 years. Heck, if you want to make this a multi-method approach, air drop these foods to him while he lives in a Buddhist monastery on the beach somewhere.

Eventually, Banner just dies of complications from his diet. Problem solved.

Admitted Flaws

Of course, if Banner has a massive heart attack, this could trigger a Hulk transformation. However, if Banner is massively overweight and out of shape, wouldn’t the Hulk also be? He’s not much of a threat if he gets winded after reaching for a puny human to pummel.

Additionally, a diet of bad food gives you an elevated heart rate and blood pressure. So he’d potentially be “running in the red” after a year or two of this therapy.

Help Me Refine The Theory

At least it’s a start. I rule out alcohol because Banner strikes me as an angry drunk and a raging Hulk with double vision isn’t good for anybody.

But what other tweaks could we give to this plan to help it cure the world of The Hulk for good? I think I’ve found a place to start!


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