Improbable Match-Up: Batman v. Indiana Jones

Well, it looks like I’m really on a tear to match up Batman versus a lot of different nemeses lately. And while I was writing my review of The LEGO Movie, I removed a line about matching up these two because I like to keep these under wraps until they’re ready for release.

And I think that this is the best match-up yet for 2014, because both are from series that pride themselves on “keepin’ it real” when it comes to their action. Of course, now that I’ve started down this particular road, the possibilities are endless. Also, it provides a needed respite after all the nights I’m kept awake thinking about what could go wrong with Episode VII.

So let’s get ready to Geeeeeeeeek Out.

Factor: Fighting Styles
Batman: ALL THE STYLES Indy: Brawler, Gunfighter
Advantage: Batman.
Look, I love watching Indy fight. We all do. We can relate to it. But Batman is so clearly-cut the winner in this category that I think this is the final time I’ll use it with him. Otherwise I’m just teasing an easy win out of the gate to him.
Factor: Age
Batman: Technically, ancient. Indy: Technically, more ancient.
Advantage: Batman.
Batman debuted in 1939, and Indy’s first adult adventure (as we know it) started in 1936 (three years before!). Batman, however, has experienced the magic of the reboot and has since been reborn to modern eras. By any measure we have, Indy is probably dead.
Factor: Moral Code
Batman: Heroic ideals, will not kill. Indy: Heroic ideals, will kill.
Advantage: Indy.
When the chips are down, Indy will do anything to survive. Let the Angel of Death melt your face, say an incantation to make you fall down into a crocodile’s mouth, let you drop into an endless abyss when you reach for the Holy Grail. Not to mention all the henchmen he kills along the way.
Factor: Weaknesses
Batman: Brooding Indy: The Ladies
Advantage: Batman.
Indy’s choice of ladies is questionable at best. Of the three big-screen ladies we know, one was his true soul mate and so a useful sidekick in a fight. One was a complete middling buffoon (who was buffing the director’s camera), the other a NAZI spy. Batman might be one for solitary brooding that leads to excessive introspection and self-doubt, but Indy’s like Samson with short hair.
Factor: Transportation
Batman: Bat-{Everytding} Indy: Anything available
Advantage: Indy.
We’ve covered how Batman’s fleet of ships is impressive, repeatedly. But Indy can take a survival raft out of a plummeting plane and not just survive, but find adventure.
Wild Card
Batman: World’s Greatest Detective Indy: Improvisational skills
Advantage: Indy.
Batman is the World’s Greatest Detective. But Indy proves time and again that he’s able to take anything around him and turn it into a survival tool, rolling shield or instrument of death. He’s got a Ph.D. in “winging it” and even keeps his hat on through the whole thing.

Winner: Tie

What the Heck? That actually happened by accident. Perhaps Bane should have enlisted Indy’s help to topple the Dark Knight for once and for all.

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