Well, here it is. Another one of those days that sort of stinks because I think about my mother, and it really dampens the mood.
While I’m all about celebrating mothers, and the mother of my children in particular, I have to admit that I get grumpy on a day like this. I get a little selfish and petulant inside my head, convinced of the universe’s unfairness for robbing me of my mother when she was so young and I never got to show her how proud I could make her.
For the record, yes I do believe my mother has survived this world and is still out there…somewhere. I have my faith and it took me years and a few strange experiences to come to terms with it. Time is no longer a constraint outside this realm, and so maybe the future of her is trying to reach back to me now. Or something. I don’t know for certain, that’s why it’s faith.
But I don’t feel that connection as strongly anymore. I feel like I’m losing her again since my dad died. So long as he was there, there was someone else to remember her and give us clues about who she was when she wasn’t vacuuming the house at 3 o’clock in the morning to let me know I had royally screwed up.
It’s weird to have them both gone now. I used to call my dad on days like this and we’d at least talk about her briefly. I’d let him know I understood his pain, and it was in some way comforting to know that he understood mine (and my brother’s).
And while I picked over cards to give to Agent Bun today, I got suddenly choked up looking at the section of cards labeled “To Mom From Son.” I wish there were some way to send her a card now. So many regrets about being a late bloomer and not having it together so she could have died knowing both her sons were all right and had a course plotted.
But again, with faith, I have to believe she knows it somehow. And if my faith pans out, I will get to see her again, and maybe even give her a long-overdue hug.
In the meantime, I sure hope those that can hug their moms a little bit harder today. We never know how much time any of us has. Don’t hold back.