With the recent news about the debt ceiling, S&P’s downgrade of nearly every government agency including the janitors and the political spin machine in full swing to make sure no one’s Cult of Personality suffers, I’ve decided it’s time for a new hero to step forward.
Considering Batman isn’t real, no matter how hard I wish, I was hard pressed to find someone qualified to save us all. People, after all, should never be forced to think for themselves. It eats heavily into TV time.
They need a designated protector, someone who can resolve the crisis and do everything for them.
They need me.
Phase I: I Am Now Leader of a Country
I’m declaring myself the Potentate of Kesselvania, which is a small wooded lot currently occupied by a small house and four people. No need for a pesky Republic like the United States. While I am a kind and fair leader (indeed, the wisest in my entire nation), final authority comes from me. So, decisions are typically swift and wonderful.
Occasionally my cabinet, comprised of one member, will work to subvert my efforts, but then I just start cruelly mocking her Midwestern accent in the public square until she forgets why she was arguing anyway. I’m a political mastermind: distract everyone from any problems with clever wordplay and a mellifluous speaking voice!
I’ve also shown I can take decisive military action, as the spiders are reminded. It’s a war without end, but I was sure I picked it with an invisible enemy who, while its numbers can’t be tracked, has no economic impact on my fiefdom.
Phase II: Call For Investors
My country is run by a fiscally responsible government. My sole cabinet member is the Minister of Finance (female, for all you Steinems out there!) and we run a tight ship.
In fact, 50% of the inhabitants in Kesselvania are unemployed dependents of the state and we are still 100% solvent with no danger of hitting our debt ceiling. In fact, we pay all of our creditors on time, stay on budget and have never defaulted.
We even send aid to an incompetently-led nation (America) under threat of force (!), donate money to others in other nations and still pay our bills without incurring new debt.
S&P would rate us AAAAA if they could. And we don’t even give stupid speeches about it. We just do it.
Phase III: Rolling in Cash!
Really, this part is only for me. But at least you know it won’t be going to John “Married to the Heinz Fortune” Kerry or Darrell “Money Markets” Issa. Unlike them, I’m not going to lie to you. This is all about me.
With your cash, I’ll be able to retire and blog full-time, providing you with high-quality reading entertainment that’s more insightful than Newsweek (a low standard, to be sure). It’s at least better than most of the stuff in Time nowadays, and I even go out of my way not to offend people, even when they really deserve it.* It’s an investment in your own entertainment and edification!
(Except for one or two people who really, really deserve it.)
Phase IV: I’ll Hire All of My Friends with Your Money
This part will be familiar to you.
But the guys I hire will be more entertaining and have better senses of humor than Michael Brown or Van Jones. Point: kesseljunkie.
I’ll make them do things like call out Wil Wheaton on the fact that he played Wesley, and no matter how much “cred” he might have with “geeks” right now, he played Wesley and if he gets to full of himself, we’ll kick his ass. Settle down with the tweeting, @wilw. You’re an actor, not a doctor, mathematician, physicist or even professional sports player. Your opinions are no more valid or informed than anyone else’s.
Phase V: I’ll Be Accountable
None of this shifting blame or going on vacation or giving lame speeches. The buck stops here, the way it did once long ago.
Literally, in this case, because your money will stop here. Kesselvania. You’ll never again have to worry about hidden assets. You can always know where your money went and how it was spent.
In the end, isn’t that all that really matters?