Clean Up After Yourself, Savages

And we need a slogan for the campaign. "Don't forget to flush, or we'll kick you in the nuts." Good?

I attended a conference about a month ago and at one point had to use the restroom. It happens.

Now keep in mind that this was a conference for professional men and women, there to network and learn while thinking deep thoughts on the company dime. People were dressed nicely, came from office jobs and seemed at first blush to smell nice.

So imagine my surprise and horror when, upon visiting the restroom and walking to get to the sink so I could wash my hands, I saw a stall that resembled one from a turnpike rest stop. Some savage had left the seat down and defiled it with watery thoughtlessness.

After my initial thought of “gross,” I thought two things:

  1. Really, this is a meeting of people who are supposed to be well-respected professionals. This is not how adults should treat a restroom or any communal space.
  2. This sonofagun is outside this restroom right now, shaking someone’s hand. And judging by their habits, they probably didn’t wash their hands very well.

Now, hygiene and indoor plumbing have been the key to increasing life expectancy. Also vaccinations, regardless of what Jenny McCarthy thinks she knows, but hygiene’s played a great role in it.

But the whole hygiene thing is shot straight to Hell if people can’t aim properly and wash their hands.

And besides that, the guy obviously skipped the urinal — one of the greatest inventions ever to help alleviate the aiming problem — and decided instead just to attack a toilet seat like a nervous kid in a Vietnam firefight. Who does that? What the Hell is wrong with people?

So obviously people need to clean up after themselves. They probably won’t. And the frustrating thing is that they won’t care. And they’ll continue to spread their horrible germs. The germs that make me sick, make my kids sick and spread infectious diseases among us all; taint our food; and generally hurt our health.

So my proposal is this: meaner signs. People are obviously ignoring please and thank you, and contour drawings demonstrating the proper way to wash hands (which I thought everyone pretty much mastered before the age of five anyway). So make the signs nasty, large and more apparent.

Big, nasty signs that insult their parentage. That imply they’re horrible people.

Then, create a couple of new laws and government agencies to deal with the problem. We seem to do that for everything else, so let’s create a Department of Enforcing Hygiene (DEH), which would be under the DEA, which is part of the DHS and reports directly to the President so that Congress doesn’t have to dirty its hands with icky things like oversight.

The first act will be to create a government workforce of people whose only job is to sit in restrooms all day and loudly berate those who make a mess or don’t wash their hands, and then kick them in the genitals if necessary. Not only will it take care of the problem, it’ll put people to work!

The next will be to push some regulation (laws take too long to pass, hence why the agency is headed by a “czar” who doesn’t report to Congress), that deputizes everyone who witnesses an unhygienic bathroom act with the power to kick the offending person in the genitals.

And yes, this is really where my head goes and the thoughts that are in it 24/7. Comforting, right?

And that’s why I should be elected class president.


3 thoughts on “Clean Up After Yourself, Savages

  1. The signs should be funny as well as insulting, and people should organize boycotts of restaurants that don’t carry out their threats. That’s another knee-jerk reaction many people have, but at least it’s constitutional.

    And there’s no reason for this. If you don’t want to touch the toilet seat even with a wad of toilet paper — and really, who does? — use your foot to put up the seat before draining the weasel. That’s what I do.

    And like George Costanza, I’m also a “stall guy.” What of it, Mr. Exhibitionist?

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