The Five Most Likely Ways I’ll Die

Angel of Death
You! Yes, you! Pay your taxes!

As a talented poet once wrote, “Death makes angels of us all/and gives us wings where we had shoulders/smooth as raven’s claws.”

Ain’t no use fightin’ it, we’re all going to die. And I was thinking to myself today, if I were to lay odds on it today, right this minute—how would I most likely shuffle off this mortal coil?

I think the list below is fairly accurate.

While a top five, it’s not ranked in specific order. These are just the most likely. Now let’s all enjoy speculating how I might die!


Red Vines
This is just enough for a one hour TV show. Barely.
1. Licorice Poisoning

So long as Twizzlers, Twizzlers Pull’n’Peel, Rainbow Twizzlers, Twizzlers Filled Twists and (most importantly) One Pound bags (there are 4-pound jars) of Red Vines, I’m pretty sure I can fall victim to this. I’m a licorice junkie.

Late entry as well is the CVS Gold Emblem brand ‘Australian Licorice’…so sweet your teeth hurt.

By the way, I’m aware that the Red Vines site breaks every rule of usability that I enjoy, and try to advance in this world, but they make one of the most unbelievably wonderful things to eat ever.

Me and Mike
I don't think this picture is as funny now. I'm also not going to seek and post a spider picture.
2. Zombie Spiders

I am good friends with a real, practicing scientist (more about him soon enough), and he’s neither confirmed nor denied whether they’re working on these.

It doesn’t matter that I’ve never asked him to confirm or deny it, I’d think a real scientist would just randomly volunteer to their best friends, “We’re not working on Zombie Spiders. Just in case you were wondering.” Until I get a categorical denial with proof, they remain in the running.

LOST plane wreckage scene
With luck, I end up on an island deciding the fate of the world. In which case, we're all screwed.
3. Airplane Crash

Because God has a sense of humor. I’ve started flying more, will have to fly more and thus my long-standing policy to board a Terrorist Rocket no more than once a year (in a bad year) will have to fall. I went so far as to change the time of a flight I was booking to 6:30 in the morning so that I would be on a plane with jet engines, none of this turbo-prop crap. I’m sure there’s some reason why that was actually a bad choice, but if you know that to be the case, my response comes from a very popular movie.

Trekkies Suck
Trekkies dislike my honesty.
4. Assassinated by Someone I’ve Pissed Off

I tend to have a polarizing effect on people. Usually people either love me or hate me, or vacillate between the two. Fortunately, I’m quick and smart, but even Don Corleone got shot at the produce stand, so anything can happen.

Anyone who’s followed the comments from “Tony” on this blog knows that someone out there is likely planning to kill and skin me. It’s really just a question of time, as I’ve undoubtedly made a few enemies over time.

Heck, I can name more than a few who’d probably serve the jail time right now just for the satisfaction of ending my reign of terror.

Homer Simpson's Heart Attack
They released two good Star Trek movies...IN A ROW?
5. Heart Attack

This one has been a favorite choice for many, but what will befuddle you all is when coroners list it as “self-inflicted.”

Bury me next to Omar Little. Give the man his props.

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6 thoughts on “The Five Most Likely Ways I’ll Die

  1. My most likely ways to die are 1) being boarded by an overzealous defenseman, 2) choking on a d20, 3) landing on my head due to a nasty harai-goshi, 4) my cat poops in my mouth while I’m sleeping, or 5) a political debate gone horribly wrong.

  2. There’s another, most likely way, that we’ve discussed many times. Of course, it must remain between us, but you know of what I speak 🙂

    1. Yes, how odd that after another instance of enduring your ape-like online tantrums, I might hold you up as an example of an unstable and psychotic threat that demands some sort of vigilance and need for protection.

      You’re but one convenient name of a few who I have placed on my “shoot on sight” list. It’s just self-defense at this point.

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