As a talented poet once wrote, “Death makes angels of us all/and gives us wings where we had shoulders/smooth as raven’s claws.”
Ain’t no use fightin’ it, we’re all going to die. And I was thinking to myself today, if I were to lay odds on it today, right this minute—how would I most likely shuffle off this mortal coil?
I think the list below is fairly accurate.
While a top five, it’s not ranked in specific order. These are just the most likely. Now let’s all enjoy speculating how I might die!
1. Licorice Poisoning
So long as Twizzlers, Twizzlers Pull’n’Peel, Rainbow Twizzlers, Twizzlers Filled Twists and (most importantly) One Pound bags (there are 4-pound jars) of Red Vines, I’m pretty sure I can fall victim to this. I’m a licorice junkie.
Late entry as well is the CVS Gold Emblem brand ‘Australian Licorice’…so sweet your teeth hurt.
By the way, I’m aware that the Red Vines site breaks every rule of usability that I enjoy, and try to advance in this world, but they make one of the most unbelievably wonderful things to eat ever.
2. Zombie Spiders
I am good friends with a real, practicing scientist (more about him soon enough), and he’s neither confirmed nor denied whether they’re working on these.
It doesn’t matter that I’ve never asked him to confirm or deny it, I’d think a real scientist would just randomly volunteer to their best friends, “We’re not working on Zombie Spiders. Just in case you were wondering.” Until I get a categorical denial with proof, they remain in the running.
3. Airplane Crash
Because God has a sense of humor. I’ve started flying more, will have to fly more and thus my long-standing policy to board a Terrorist Rocket no more than once a year (in a bad year) will have to fall. I went so far as to change the time of a flight I was booking to 6:30 in the morning so that I would be on a plane with jet engines, none of this turbo-prop crap. I’m sure there’s some reason why that was actually a bad choice, but if you know that to be the case, my response comes from a very popular movie.
4. Assassinated by Someone I’ve Pissed Off
I tend to have a polarizing effect on people. Usually people either love me or hate me, or vacillate between the two. Fortunately, I’m quick and smart, but even Don Corleone got shot at the produce stand, so anything can happen.
Anyone who’s followed the comments from “Tony” on this blog knows that someone out there is likely planning to kill and skin me. It’s really just a question of time, as I’ve undoubtedly made a few enemies over time.
Heck, I can name more than a few who’d probably serve the jail time right now just for the satisfaction of ending my reign of terror.
5. Heart Attack
This one has been a favorite choice for many, but what will befuddle you all is when coroners list it as “self-inflicted.”
Bury me next to Omar Little. Give the man his props.