There are plenty of people who have heard bits and pieces of this diatribe from time to time, so I figured I’d lay it out for everyone here. If anyone likes this list and has a time machine, feel free to take it and perform these tasks for the good of humanity on my behalf. Credit is not my goal, the betterment of humanity in general and my life in specific is most important.
First, the ground rules. I’m not proposing doing…oh, wait. Sorry about that. This isn’t Back to the Future. What I’m proposing is only for the good, so who gives a damn about the timeline. Besides, I’m not seeing an alternate Hill Valley thing happening here, but rather a 2009 alternate Star Trek thing here where the new future is boundless. And there are two of me, like Spock. Only evil.
Stop #1: 1985
Task: Kill Peter Cetera
I prattled on about the virtues of forgiveness in this blog, but I will never forgive Peter Cetera for recording Glory of Love. Ever. It’s a blight on the landscape of music. When I hear the song, it actually causes feelings of physical revulsion and anger.
Let me be clear that I hold nothing against him for his work with Chicago. I like his work with Chicago. But Glory of Love is a crime against humanity.
So, since it’s fair to presume that anyone who counts has the same taste in music that I do (and anyone who doesn’t should lose their right to vote) I would stop first in 1985 and stalk Peter Cetera. I would then wait for the proper day and hide behind the studio door as he walked in to record this execrable piece of crap and use a .357 to scatter his talent all over the studio walls.
Then back into my time machine for my next stop.
Stop #2: 1986
Task: Destroy all copies of the movie Top Gun
So long as I’m in 1986, I’d go ahead and destroy all copies of the movie Top Gun. It’s high time that everyone who’s suffered this strange mass hypnotic effect, the one that suggests to them that this movie is anything but pure garbage, admit that this movie never should have been made.
Since I’m fuzzy on exactly how long it took them to film it, or where they did, I’d just wait for them to be done putting it together and then destroy the master print and any work prints that they had struck. I’d let the people who worked on it live because some of them (Val Kilmer, Tom Cruise, Anthony Edwards) actually went on to do some worthwhile things.
Others, like Michael Ironside, I would hope it would demoralize enough that he quits acting because no matter his best efforts, after V all he did was screw up whatever movie he was in. Strangely, it was rarely his fault – he just carries the kiss of death for movies somehow, like an ancient curse.
Seriously, name a good Michael Ironside movie since 1984. You can’t.
Stop #3: 1970
Task: Prevent Tiny Dancer from being recorded
Why 1970? To prevent Bernie Taupin from getting inspired by his girlfriend, about whom he wrote the song. So I’d be forced to drop her down an abandoned mine shaft. Sorry, sweetie. It’s all for the greater good. Bernie and Elton are allowed to live. For now.
Stop #4: 1995
Task: Prevent Star Trek Voyager and UPN ever from launching
Both never should have existed. But how does one stop a show and a network? Well, Voyager was the flagship designed to guide UPN into the vaunted future. So if I stop Voyager, I stop UPN. I also prompt a chain of events that possibly leads to a much, much better version of the show Enterprise being released.
But I can’t bring myself to harm Rick Berman because he did have a hand in The Next Generation and that was a fine show, as was Deep Space Nine. So he’s too good for death.
So I’m afraid I have to go the way of One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest and lobotomize him. It’s for the best.
Stop #5: August 18, 1969
Task: Wait for the last band to leave the stage
Let’s be clear, I’d be 100% sure that Richie Havens, Arlo Guthrie, CCR, Janis Joplin, Sly & the Family Stone, The Who, Jefferson Airplane and Jimi Hendrix were safe (the rest of them are on their own). I’d abscond with tapes of the music then set off an atom bomb. I’ll take one for the team if I can’t time travel out of there in time.
Alternate idea is if, presuming I have time machine technology, I have a Sterilization Ray that I can use on the crowd through the whole weekend. That or the atom bomb are workable ideas.
Stop #6: Anytime in FDR’s second term
Task: Get the 22nd Amendment passed earlier than it was
Or I can get people to buy into the bullsh** thought that we should just reinterpret the Constitution so that we can “find term limits in there.” Amendments processes are burdensome and long. Let’s just re-read it every few years and decide what it means to us in the moment. Dr. Phil can ask us how we feel about it and Oprah can tell us that it’s important to decide what key sections of it are open to what makes us realize our self-actualization.
Stop #7: Right Now
Task: Prevent Your Predictable Comments to the Blog
Let’s see who’s the first to draw my ire! Or if anyone even read this!
I figure I have a few decades before I have to finalize the plan, so this is just a rough draft. But Stop #1 is non-negotiable.