kessel korner

It Was About Movies. There Was Bound to be a Sequel

I'll tell them what they can go do with this thing.

Picking up where I left off a short while ago, I’m closing the loop on this latest screed and let me contempt for the self-important douchebags in Hollywood hibernate until next year.

As I’ve written this, I’ve been amazed at the depth of my feelings about it, too. I mean that honestly.

In many ways, I think it stems from the fact that in my life I believed my calling was to become an awards-soaked film actor. I didn’t like myself back then, and I probably lash out against the most visible incarnation of that foolish young man. It’s not that I dislike acting, or won’t get into a community-level theatre at some point. It’s just that I don’t like things that remind me of that selfish, terrible person I was once.

But Sean Penn is still an asshat.

Now on to the thrilling conclusion!

Merit Is Only a Factor, When It Should Be the Only Reason

I have to question the validity of any awards structure that did not give this performance every award in every category.

If you remember from the first post, I bashed AMPAAS® for the the fact that merit obviously is not the sole requisite for winning the gold statue. Other factors continually play into the “voting” of “members” of the “Academy.”

Heath Ledger’s Oscar® would have meant more if he were alive. You see, I don’t believe that the “Academy” gave it to him for more of a reason than as a way to say, “Farewell to the guy who played a gay cowboy we all liked.”

These awards have a long and sh**ty history of “snubbing” an actor/movie one year just to “make it up to them” when it becomes apparent that:

1. They have to appear sensitive and/or not racist or non-inclusive;
2. They gave the first one for political reasons and wish to buoy/rectify that;
3. Time and life are fleeting things (the “age factor”);
4. Someone is “overdue” for an award; or
5. They know there’s a later effort coming they can reward.

Just take a moment and think over this example: Al Pacino. His career is legendary. He won his award for Scent of a Woman. He had previously been screwed over in 1974 when Art Carney won because he was soon to taste the sweet scythe of the Grim Reaper. So by the time he was shouting “Hoo-ah!” for two hours, he was also overdue. (That makes him a Trifecta winner by the above standards!)

Tom Hanks was not particularly good in Philadelphia. He got the double–play later because he was particularly good and they were backed in a corner.

And I’ll hurl a big grenade here. Return of the King did not deserve to win Best Picture. The best picture in that series was The Two Towers and it’s pretty obvious they tossed the award at King because they were rewarding the overall effort of shooting one really long movie and then editing it into three bits.

And then, once again, they were tossing a piece of red meat to the audience that they were most in danger of losing permanently: nerds. They know we like to sit on our asses watching television, so if they give us hope that our own entertainment choices can be validated before the world, we might get them some extra advertising dollars.

Truth is truth.

Market Fragmentation

The Great Equalizer.

This is the biggest part of my argument this year.

In the Post”Internet Era (did I just invent a term?), the markets are so fragmented that I don’t know that any entertainment awards show has a real purpose anymore.

People have found their niches, and there are studies showing social media polarizes us.

But taking it a step further, when I go to maintain my queue on Netflix, it doesn’t offer me choices to “broaden my horizons.” It offers me alternatives based on my previous actions and personal ratings.

It doesn’t say, “kesseljunke! You’ve been watching a lot of science fiction. Here’s an estrogen–soaked crap–fest to help you understand why you hate your wife’s choice in film.”

No, it sees and “understands” what I like. If I were to rate Nicolas Cage movies as my all–time favorites, it would offer me selections based on the apparent severity of my head trauma. My Facebook “friends” will post clips from the best movies they’ve seen and since I tend to have similar tastes, I’ll give it a shot.

So what’s the point?

Conclusion

Now, it’s not that I think they should “stop” having the Oscars®. Billy Crystal needs some reason not to cry himself to sleep at night. Just stop pretending like anyone (who should be allowed to vote in a general political election) should care.

Except, of course, the legion of fake-tanned nimrods whose careers are based on the salty ecosystem of broken dreams, humiliation and error that are these shows. Much like reality TV, people aren’t watching or hosting to see people succeed, they’re watching because they hope someone will f*** up.

Just send out a press release the following morning, people can view the award winners if they want to do so and we can all go back to pretending you serve a purpose higher than a shift nurse at my local hospital (you don’t).

So take that, wealthy actors who will never read this! I sure cut you down to size. Don’t you forget it.