Part I: Classic v. Classic
Whilst tweeting with some “virtual acquaintances” on The Tweeter*, someone posited whether Solo was a “rip-off” of Kirk. My response was that no, Solo was Rhett Butler.
Then I got to thinking, it’s been a while since I plotted out a fight between two improbable franchise opponents, and I’m curious myself.
Who could best the other in a death match? Would the Corellian smuggler smother the Iowan star hero with his own hairpiece? Would Kirk Fu outmatch Smirk Fu?
I’m carrying over the “tale of the tape” style that I lifted for the original blog matching Yoda against Superman, only once again better because I wrote it and I’m super awesome, and I expanded the categories to account for what I think is a truly more realistic match between two Space Lotharios…
…and then, while writing this up, I had an exchange with Convocation member and frequent blog adviser The Korean. He prefers Chris Pine’s Kirk, so I took his unrefined thought and polished it into a diamond: This is now a two-part blog where Part I will examine their deathmatch in their “Classic” incarnations—Young Shatner’s Kirk v.1977 Han Solo—and then Part II will take into account their New Coke versions—Chris Pine’s Kirk from the 2009 Star Trek film and any tweaks discovered to Han Solo’s character as it stands in the latest version of the original Star Wars film (2011 BluRay).
So let’s get ready to Geeeeeeeeek Out.
*Someone at work does, in fact, refer to Twitter as The Tweeter. They are not being funny and I don’t have the heart to tell them how wrong they are, because they’re a nice person and I like them.
| Solo | Kirk | Advantage | |
|---|---|---|---|
| Age | 29 | 31 | I’m taking Kirk in his physical prime, which is during the start of TOS. Solo’s age according to various sources this week is 29 at the time of the original Star Wars, which I consider to be his.I have to give the advantage to Kirk, because he wasn’t just flying around with his best friend. He was commanding a starship and personally kicking the ass of everyone in his way. |
| Hair | Natural | CorbomitePolyfiber | I’m bald. I don’t particularly respect hairweaves or hairpieces; God made you a certain way, accept it. Solo has a lustrous, genetically-superior scalp, but space age technology makes Kirk’s head impervious to harm. Advantage: Kirk |
| Sidekick | Chewbacca | Spock | Spock swings this if they’re in a tactical confrontation out among the stars.But since we’re talking about a theoretical brawl, let’s put it this way: Spock dies for Kirk, Chewbacca kills for Han. Advantage: Solo. |
| Ship | Millenium Falcon | U.S.S. Enterprise(s) | Kirk is willing to sacrifice his ship to save his friends. Solo is willing to sacrifice his friends to save his ship. Advantage: Solo. |
| Wild Card | Special Editions | Space Syphilis | Draw. Han, with the BluRays, now fires at the same time. Kirk, with sealed medical records, is probably Patient Zero of a parallel reality. |
| Wild Card (2): Melee Experience | Fought a Biker Scout | Gorn, Klingon, Vulcan, Khan Noonien Singh, Romulan, Fake Romans, Fake Nazis, False gods, Hippies | Han struggled against one biker scout. One. Kirk faced and defeated/killed opponents with his bare hands on a regular basis. He even beat Khan, for goodness’ sake. |
| Trump Card | Good guy pretending to be bad, revealing self to be good. | Good by circumstance, murderer and career opportunist by nature. | Because Kirk will never, under any circumstances, do anything other than fire first, last and repeatedly. |
Winner: Kirk
As much as it pains me to say it, Han never shows much in the way of hand-to-hand fighting prowess. The victory MUST go to Kirk.
Yeah, well, Kirk is awesome. Anyone who denies that is a fool.
I didn’t understand any of the Star Wars/Star Trek stuff, but I’m glad to see you went to an odd number of categories in these improbable battles to make it easier to declare a winner. Even though you had one category be a draw anyway. Ah, what the hell? It’s all made up anyway. Have fun with your Kirk. Han and I are going to get a couple car bombs and patrol the bar for hotties.
“I didn’t understand any of the Star Wars/Star Trek stuff,”
Arguably, neither do I.
And if we’re talking about who’s a better drinking companion, Han wins without fail. Kirk would c-block you all night.
Even a Star Wars geek must admit that Kirk is the most awesome. Deal with it, nerds.